Life with Twins

Posts tagged ‘helpless’

Annoying Things

Now:  These are things that are really annoying me right now.  And always.

Number 1: I keep falling asleep on the couch at night.  This is bad for several reasons.  First of all, I miss the end of whatever program I’m watching, or, let’s face it, sometimes the whole show.  Second, I am losing my motivation to exercise because I know that I will fall asleep soon after and I don’t want to “waste” my whole evening exercising.  Third, it’s way too soon to fall asleep after eating my evening snack.

 Number 2: We got a really cool new camera this summer.  Why is that annoying?  Because I can’t bring my camera to work to upload pictures to my blog anymore because Tim won’t let me (which is understandable, but still annoying).  And because I’m feeling that the blog is a lot less interesting without the pictures.

Number 3: Why won’t Halloween just get here already?  I am like a child.  I am so excited to take the twins trick or treating for the first time.  I am agonizing over what the weather will be like that night even though it’s over a week away.  I am planning our route and prepping the kids to say “trick or treat” really loudly.  I am lamenting over the fact that I haven’t found red pants for them to wear under their Elmo costumes and realizing that Elmo(s) might have to have black legs instead of red.

Number 4: Conflicting emotions… it almost Halloween already?  Where did October go?  I feel like I’m constantly waiting for what’s next while simultaneously wondering why my days and weeks and months are going so fast.  Probably a common problem, I know.

Anyway.  I’m not having a particularly bad day or crabby mood.  Just thinking about thinking I guess.  🙂  This is now.

What’s annoying you right now? 

THEN:  I woke up early Sunday morning, August 30th.  I spoke to Tim briefly on the phone – long enough for him to tell me he took off again and would be at the hospital soon.  I tried to convince him it wasn’t necessary, but I was quite pleased that he would be coming back (obviously).  While I was waiting a nurse came in.  One of my favorite nurses so far.  And a nurse-in-training.  Also one of my favorite people there.  They said a high-risk doctor would be in sometime this morning to talk to me about my test results.  They both asked if there was anything else I needed.  I only wanted to know if they could estimate the time the doctor would be in because I was hoping Tim would be here when the doctor came.  They weren’t sure, but they seemed very sympathetic.  I tried to seem like it didn’t really matter but I’m sure they saw through me.

I called Tim back immediately.  How soon could he be here?  He was leaving right as I was calling, so about 20 minutes.  I figured that was plenty of time.

Then the doctor and my two nurses walked in.  Where was my husband?  I explained that he was on his way.  They exchanged glances, and I knew that the high-risk doctor had a very busy schedule and would probably not be able to carve out another time to meet with me later.  I told them it was ok.  No husband, no problem.  I was also still convinced that my worst-case-scenario was going to be hospital bedrest for a few weeks.  Or maybe best-case…..bedrest at home.

The doctor began his speech.  And I mean SPEECH.  He was easy to understand and follow…..but he took forever to say what the main point really was.  Basically I was very very sick.  My lack of knowledge about my gestational diabetes was very detrimental to my body.  I was at a high risk of having a stroke, seizures, or a heart attack….or a combination of the three.  Any of these three things could not only kill me, but possibly the children inside me.  Unless it was taken care of immediately. 

So, again, the dillusional optimist in me asked about hospital bedrest.  Through my sobs that were racking my body.  No.  Maybe if it was earlier in the pregnancy another 2 weeks would make a big difference.  But as of right now, giving it another few days was really pushing my luck. 

What did that mean?  Doctor’s recommendation was immediate delivery.  Today.  This afternoon they had an opening in the OR. 

I could not suppress my tears.  I wouldn’t even have tried to, except I was afraid that crying would damage my already fragile body even more.  I tried to calm myself down.  I had tried to keep myself calm for the last 4 days.  Trying to keep my blood pressure normal so that I could just go home and wait 9 more weeks until my babies could be born safetly.  The nurses held my hands and gently rubbed my back.  I was so grateful for them.  I thanked the doctor and the nurses over and over through my tears.  They offered to wait with me until Tim came, but I knew I could probably calm down better by myself for a minute.  I had stopped sobbing, just a few stray tears running down my cheeks, so they felt comfortable with leaving.

What would happen?  What would happen to my babies that were going to be snatched from my body in less than 12 hours even though it was 9 weeks earlier than they should have been born?  I felt helpless.  I felt like I had failed them because it was MY body that was sick, not theirs.  I kept telling them that.  Whispering to my almost-born children.  They needed to stay strong.  They were healthy, they would be fine, their mama would be fine.  The doctors were doing this because it was what was best.  All of our best chance for survival.  It sounds melodramatic typing it now.  But it was reality.

When Tim came in one of my nurses spotted him.  She stood in my doorway while I explained what had to happen.  I was crying again, but not uncontrollably.  I pride myself in being very logical.  I was definitely emotional – a rarity for me – but I knew, logically, that this was the best thing for everyone, and that nothing could be changed, so there was no point wishing for things that weren’t so or that couldn’t come true.  I shouldn’t waste my energy on worrying, although I obviously was worried.  I was using my energy to think positive thoughts for myself and to the children.

What would happen?  We were so scared.  We had to call our families.  We had to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  What would happen?  After everything we went through, why this now?  What would happen?  That was then

P.S.  Thanks for sticking with me, or popping over to visit my blog.  I am not gone…..and hopefully not forgotten!


NOW:  Did you ever wish you had superpowers?  Mine would be the ability to go without sleep.  Sure, there’s more glamorous things out there.  Time travel.  Teleporting.  Laser eyes (although I already have those, but I only use them for good).  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love sleeping.  It’s like my third favorite activity (behind eating, and playing with the kids).  But sleeping just wastes SO MUCH TIME.  And, I’m always tired anyway. 

The 5 cups of coffee a day are not helping anymore…I need to up my intake.  So not only do I waste 7 hours a day sleeping, but it’s still not enough!  It would be so great if I could just constantly feel refreshed and awake and gain those 7 hours back.  I’d get so much accomplished.

Coffee....You Can Sleep When You're Dead!

Especially if Tim and the twins still had to sleep. 

We have a lot of explorations going on in our house lately.  We explore with hats.  Anything and everything can BE a hat. 

Anything and everything can WEAR a hat.

I suppose it doesn’t matter to SOME people that it’s 80 degrees out.  Hats are in style, Mama.  This is now.

THEN:  I know the term “empty nest” usually applies to older people whose children have grown up and moved out of the house.  Before I had my children, my house felt like an empty nest already.  I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever get to have that real empty nest feeling 20 or 30 years down the road.  Would I ever have kids that would grow up and move out?  Would I ever be able to complain about sleepless nights with my baby?  Would I ever be stuck eating hospital food for 2 days because I had given birth?  Would I ever be fat-in-a-good-way?  Would I ever be so busy that I felt like my head was spinning because my life was so full?  And the biggest, most obvious one; What if I can’t have children?   Everything would remind me.  Obviously people with babies/children, pregnant women.  But even not so obvious things; weddings – would I ever have my little daughter dance with her daddy?  Dusting – I really hate dusting – would I ever be able to train my little boy/girl to help with the chores?  Disney – would I ever be going to Disney World, or the Disney Cruise, or be able to share all things Disney with a little one?

All of these thoughts and more swam around in my head continuously.  I don’t think I was ever busy enough that they weren’t there.  They would be pushed to the side occasionally, but never to the back of my head.  The other thought that plagued me was “relax.”  I’ve mentioned this before.  This is everyone’s reaction when you tell them you’re having a little trouble getting pregnant.  They mean well (keep telling yourself that).  They really do.  They don’t know what else to say.  Unless they’ve gone through it before, but in my case I didn’t have anyone like that.  Even when we tried to relax – booked our Disney Cruise, ok, we’re going to relax.  It was also another reminder of; am I ever going to have a child to send off to play in the Oceaneers Lab while I go sit by the pool with Tim?

Going through Unexplained Infertility was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I think the reason is because it was COMPLETELY out of my control.  In the past other things that were difficult suddenly seemed easy because I could control my good grades, or how I looked (to a certain extent), or how to deal with my family/friends and issues that arose.  The only way I could control my infertility issues was to **try** different methods – drugs, tests, procedures.  But it was still just trying, no guarantees anything would work.  That’s why relaxing doesn’t seem like a viable option.  And that’s why those questions keep coming back to haunt you all day, all night.  And that’s why you can’t relax.  And there’s those questions.  Relax.  But…..what if I can’t?  It was a vicious cycle.  One of my mantras became the first 2 lines of the Kanye West song “Stronger”  “That, that, that, that, that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger.  I need you to hurry up now, cuz I can’t wait much longer.”  I often sang it to my (empty) belly.  That was then.

Question: What super power would you want?  Why?